I probably bore in many ways and specifically in my constant writings of friends and friendships, and the trials and tribulations therein. However, it is one of those topics that I just can't get past. I like to think that unlike a lot of other people I spend inordinate amounts of time observing - and indeed criticising - human interaction; the forms it takes, where it manifests itself, and the end point of such endeavours. This is probably because I am not a particularly sociable creature. I've always been a loner rather than a team player. I don't mix well because I find it very trying to pretend to be someone I am not to make other people like and accept me. I'm not so arrogant to have never tried, in fact I tried all through my teenage years, being different versions of myself or different people altogether to try and have and keep friends. But in the end it all works out to being alone because even if others can live with your lie, you can't go each day pretending to be someone you are not. That skism that lies underneath the skin is too uncomfortable to wear day in day out. That is also the reason I find working in any form of customer service so appauling.
Anyway, I have gradually stopped all that nonsense and have just been myself and been honest. Perhaps I am not a nice person, perhaps I am impossible to get along with, and for a long time I thought this to be the case, maybe I still do. But I have been thinking of these issues and the idea of friends and friendship and why people interact with each other (outside of being family, which I seperate on the basis of its unconditionality) for a while now. A few things have emerged that I want to illustrate.
Firstly, I was engaging with the question 'why do people have friends?'. If you consider this I assume you will come up with similar though processes as follows. You have friends so that you have company in which to do the things you like. Friends are for sharing experiences, both good and bad. Friends are people you can talk to and people who can rely on each other. Friends will introduce you to new experiences and keep old experiences interesting. Friends are there so you do not feel lonely, and to keep yourself interacting with other humans. Friends are people you like and admire and therefore want to spend time with. I assume most people would agree with this as the basis of the reasoning behind people having friends. Indeed I have no doubts that for some people this is true. It was probably true a long time ago. But this is very much contrary to what I observe in everyday life.
Interest in human interaction today reveals an explanation for friends and friendships that is far less well intentioned, and be cause of this I believe friendship to be a false institution and utlimatley a lie. People have friends in order to validate their own views of the world. Is it a surprise that at school cliques are formed? People are friends with people who share their interests or images of themselves not because they want to engage in things together or talk of their joint interests, but because they want to paint themselves with their friends brush. They want to look like other people so that they can be in a group and have people think, yes they all are similar, therefore that consensus must be worthy. In a similar vein, have you ever known someone who befriends someone so they will look better? A thin person with a fat friend or a successful person with an unsuccessful friend? This is the reversal of the clique in that they look idealised by comparison. Two different manifestations of the same wish, to promote an image of themeselves that others - who will judge them - find admirable. People wish other people to think that they are great, and it really seems that friends are just the stepping stone on the road to popularity. Thus, friends are not only dispensable, but ultimalely breakable for other peoples purposes.
Secondly then, it is apparent that people who are friends with each other do not care about each other. This comes down to one of my favourite topics of discussion; loyalty and reliablilty. When watching television programmes you get the idea that friends are people who will be there for you no matter what. If you have problems they will support you, if you are sad they will console you and if you need them right away they will be there as fast as they can run. People are meant to make friends and invest in that friendship to build a connection between people that transcends all other factors. Ok yes, disputes will be had and people may change, but by virtue of the fact that you have known each other so long and care for each other's lives, you will be there for them, no matter what. This is a lie. A complete fallacy. It is something that is idealised. People are led into life now to be dissapointed. They are spoilt by the warmth and care of the family and led with false expecation of good and lasting friendships to follow. They are led though into a world where friendship is as consumable as food or fashion trends. If you protray the ideal image for a person now you will be a friend, likely a great one, but as that person's views alter and you remain you, you will be dumped at the side of the road like a puppy after christmas. People are not loyal. They do not like you for your personality, your character, your company or your own sense of loyalty. All they want you for is their own selfish ends. Hence this is why people who change with fashions and try to be cool and liked and aspire to such keep friends. But I am willing to bet that all these friends can't be relied on, and that these people probably have hundreds of friends, all of whom they know or care little for. Thus again friendship fails, when you have that crisis situation you will find that suddenly you are not the fun and cool person they knew when they met you but somoene with a problem, focussing on that rather than whats happening socially, and you will be shrugged off as fast as imaginable. Trust me.
Thirdly and finally, friendship is something that does not survive disruption. You always assume that friends will have fall outs. That's acceptable, and it's fine. You expect to be on the rocks for a little while, and then subsequently making up and friendship renewed. I must say that this never happens. It's different at school because there is a limited number of new people to be friends with. In school if there are others you may well be ditched upon disagreement, but more likely you will be viewed as better than the other people and then kept. In real life there are hundreds and thousands of other hopefuls, walking on the street, in the places you hang out and bumping into people left right and centre. In fact, they even make places themed in order that people with similar interests are housed in specific venues. Clubs, pubs, cafes, shops.. they all are associated with specific age groups, music choices, fashion trends so that there are an inordinate number of people you could indeed like. So when you and your friend have an argument it is far easier for your self-important friend to quickly latch to a new pal - as friendship is not hard in the making these days either - and build a swift relationship than swallow their pride and agree to disagree or even apologise.
This is the view of friendship I see as I observe people I know get let down by their so called friends. People pull out of plans at the last minute, people leave you for more desirable mates, people ditch you once the boyfriend arrives, people say oh yeah let's meet up but never call you, expecting you to once again do all the running, and for what? The grace of their ever so precious company? That startling hour where perhaps one day you will realise that you have very little of actual meaning to talk about? Maybe people should realise that friends are just a disposable substitute for family or sexual relationships. Once a person gets their boyfriend and grows wise enough to cherish their family for what they are, you will be forgotten. True friendship doesn't exist anymore. If you have friends I'm willing to bet you don't talk about what's important to you. I'm willing to bet that something very significant has happened and no-one even noticed or cared to ask. I'm willing to bet that they don't know the real you, your secrets, your fears, your aspirations. And I'm willing to bet that when it comes down to it and you are on the brink of something, that you know deep down that you couldn't rely on them, that you would call into the darkness and hear no reply. I just hope you wouldn't call back if the tables were turned.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Monday, 18 April 2011
Sunday, 7 November 2010
the life and times
I was thinking about it recently and my blog seems to consist, in the main, of mostly me delving into the past and linking it to the present, or angry rants primarily aimed at the shape most resembling a bullseye in the logo of many popular retail outlets. I realise I don't seem to blog about my current affairs that much and if I do it becomes awfully poetic, involving some sort of philosophy on my life/life in general and thus my blog becomes a neurotic paradigm of my life. In order to remedy this I'm going to discuss what's going on just now. I am going to bypass the need to illuminate the reader as to the contents of my breakfast and who said what behind who's back &tc.
Currently I feel very frustrated in my ability to communicate what I'm really thinking. This isn't due to my not being vocal but is about the channels through which I am able to do so being blocked. I guess that people all have multiple interfaces in which to communicate - different people (work, family, friends, strangers even), face to face, phone, letter, email, social networks, blogs - and I am sure that people use each of these sources to converse in different ways about a multitude of varying issues. I mean, we all have friends or acquaintances who we are completley superficial with. Sometimes this is due to the depth of that person, be it in terms of the relationship or, sadly, brain power and sometimes it is due to the context. For example see my old blog about having silent companions at the gym or take Stuart who has a lovely woman at the canteen at work who enthusiastically asks about his life despite seeing him for at most 5 minutes a few times a week. And then at the other end of the spectrum we have those most intimate relationships, partners, family, close friends, and indeed even such as social networking where a lot of time and effort is exerted and the layers of interaction are dense and related.
For myself, recently I feel I have lost not only many superficial layers, but also some of those more impenetrable lines of communication, and I'm at a bit of a loss because of it.
This is going to sound so pathetic: I've lost facebook. Now I'm not an idiot, and I don't live my life through this website, but I do enjoy going onto facebook as part of my internet routine and seeing what's been happening. Ok I know facebook reminds most people of social butterflies with hundreds of friends arranging nights out and posting the drunken photographs resulting the next day, but there are a lot more subtle things I like. I like being able to send stupid jokey messages to stuart throughout the say (yes, even though i see him ALL THE TIME); I like getting absurd news stories linked on facebook and having little chats about the content within; I like to keep up with people who I hardly ever see but am able to feel like if I did meet them again tomorrow they wouldn't be a complete stranger; I like to be able to post up what is on my mind at any given point in the knowledge that those who care will see it and those who don't are at their own free will to ignore it, or remove me from their wall or even friends. Contrary to popular belief, removing a friend on facebook really isn't the stab in the back it is made out to be. The point is I like that I can be myself. 99% of the people on facebook for me are superficial acquaintances. The other 1% are (meant to be) the people who don't mind me being completley honest becuase they like me for who I am. Recently this has changed.
There have been additions to my facebook friends of people who normarily wouldn't use facebook. Friends of friends who you don't know but you know they know the original friend well. (new) Family. Remember that time when a member of your family was taught to use facebook and you thought "good for them, they will be able to KEEP IN CONTACT"? Well that's just it, now every status, every link, every remark is watched from the multiple cctv cameras of family with facebook. I know I am making my family sound like people who I can't be myself around and that's mostly untrue but online me is different to offline me. Offline me knows that integrity is important but that getting people's noses out of joint over stupid little arguments over it is not. Online me doesn't care about context and just really hates something and has to type it IN CAPITALS PROBABLY right now, sparing no detail or profanity, just to get it down and off my chest. Offline me knows that you acknowledging someone when something shit has happened is a caring person who is there for you without forcing herself all over the situation. Online me knows that no longer can she passivley "like" something for fear of it being interpreted that I actually LIKE the fact that something shit happened. Offline me is able to interpret people's tone of voice and body language when communicating and send the applicable signals back. Online me is able to do this with other people who were raised on the internet in a very subtle way, but some how always ends up failing to communicate the fact that I HATE WHAT YOU LIKE is a different sentiment online to offline. It's all oh so complex and I'm really feeling like I can't express myself via facebook now for fear of offence. I think the problem with facebook is that it tries to mesh the internet friend world with the real life people. The internet friends are friends quickly and the crap you post is a test to see if the friendship is worthwhile. When the real life friends join you some how stop seeming like a person with clear ideas of what they like/dislike and more of a self righteous dick who just can't let go. In fairness to myself though, sometimes things are utterly problematic. I do not like football. There are people I know who really do. In real life I would refrain from talking about it with them, avoiding strife. Online you are all just a bunch of facebookers and you know what I REALLY DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL and why can't you just let me say it and ignore me please. If you don't have anything nice to say and all...
Apart from this I've also felt like I have lost another two of these communication tubes, swimming pool flumes, if you will, in terms of people. I have two friends who recently have started to feel a little more like acquaintances. One friend was having a hard time and I felt so bad for her, like I had already been there somewhat and wanted to lend advice or at least non-judgemental support, so I did. And she replied, in a nutshell that she was busy and couldn't get back to me for a little while. A little while turned into a long while and during the long while I noticed that chatting to me was too much but being online in general was not. And that's ok, her choice not to talk to me, but I feel sidelined, like I wasn't good enough to help. She seems to still be in a bad place but I don't really want to help due to being fobbed off last time. I don't know, maybe I'm getting too prissy about it but I kind of expected that my help would be more worthwhile when time was lacking that image after image about tv shows and food. I guess that's the internet reality, a facade to be maintained. And I do feel bad for her, and I want to be there, but I've been the doormat in the past and I made a pact that if the only way I could be a friend to someone was to be the one always doing the running, then I wouldn't be the friend any more.
This pact leads to the other friend I am dissapointed in. A good friend has gotten a boyfriend and a part time job, and suddenly it's as if I'm invisible. I understand this of course I do I basically spend my life with my husband and even if you have the time when you are working you do just want some time to yourself. However it's the pretend friend dance that gets me. As if I am a child being told 5 more minutes over and over while hour after hour elapses. If I invite you to something and you don't feel like it, it's ok to say no. If I text you a time and a place, it's ok to say I can't rather than leave me hanging knowing that you never said no and I may still turn up. What's not ok is to not bother with my birthday. What's not ok is to say heyy we'll do something next week ok? and then just never get back. Just tell me you are too busy, just tell me you aren't feeling like it, just tell me you don't want to be my friend; it's fine. I just hate the dancing around the subject. I'm dissapointed again and I know if I really wanted I could press the issue and be more forthcoming in trying to arrange a time to meet up but alas my doormat pact is in place. I really like you and I understand your reasons for not seeing me, but I don't like to be deceived and I beleive that is what's going on. Honesty wins I swear.
So that's the reason I feel so frustrated and unable to express myself. True to this is the fact I've been searching for the phrase "express myself" the whole way through typing this and never quite being able to find it.
Do you ever feel as though the relationships you have made and the friends you know are slipping gradually like sand through your fingers? Right now, I'm just looking the other way.
Currently I feel very frustrated in my ability to communicate what I'm really thinking. This isn't due to my not being vocal but is about the channels through which I am able to do so being blocked. I guess that people all have multiple interfaces in which to communicate - different people (work, family, friends, strangers even), face to face, phone, letter, email, social networks, blogs - and I am sure that people use each of these sources to converse in different ways about a multitude of varying issues. I mean, we all have friends or acquaintances who we are completley superficial with. Sometimes this is due to the depth of that person, be it in terms of the relationship or, sadly, brain power and sometimes it is due to the context. For example see my old blog about having silent companions at the gym or take Stuart who has a lovely woman at the canteen at work who enthusiastically asks about his life despite seeing him for at most 5 minutes a few times a week. And then at the other end of the spectrum we have those most intimate relationships, partners, family, close friends, and indeed even such as social networking where a lot of time and effort is exerted and the layers of interaction are dense and related.
For myself, recently I feel I have lost not only many superficial layers, but also some of those more impenetrable lines of communication, and I'm at a bit of a loss because of it.
This is going to sound so pathetic: I've lost facebook. Now I'm not an idiot, and I don't live my life through this website, but I do enjoy going onto facebook as part of my internet routine and seeing what's been happening. Ok I know facebook reminds most people of social butterflies with hundreds of friends arranging nights out and posting the drunken photographs resulting the next day, but there are a lot more subtle things I like. I like being able to send stupid jokey messages to stuart throughout the say (yes, even though i see him ALL THE TIME); I like getting absurd news stories linked on facebook and having little chats about the content within; I like to keep up with people who I hardly ever see but am able to feel like if I did meet them again tomorrow they wouldn't be a complete stranger; I like to be able to post up what is on my mind at any given point in the knowledge that those who care will see it and those who don't are at their own free will to ignore it, or remove me from their wall or even friends. Contrary to popular belief, removing a friend on facebook really isn't the stab in the back it is made out to be. The point is I like that I can be myself. 99% of the people on facebook for me are superficial acquaintances. The other 1% are (meant to be) the people who don't mind me being completley honest becuase they like me for who I am. Recently this has changed.
There have been additions to my facebook friends of people who normarily wouldn't use facebook. Friends of friends who you don't know but you know they know the original friend well. (new) Family. Remember that time when a member of your family was taught to use facebook and you thought "good for them, they will be able to KEEP IN CONTACT"? Well that's just it, now every status, every link, every remark is watched from the multiple cctv cameras of family with facebook. I know I am making my family sound like people who I can't be myself around and that's mostly untrue but online me is different to offline me. Offline me knows that integrity is important but that getting people's noses out of joint over stupid little arguments over it is not. Online me doesn't care about context and just really hates something and has to type it IN CAPITALS PROBABLY right now, sparing no detail or profanity, just to get it down and off my chest. Offline me knows that you acknowledging someone when something shit has happened is a caring person who is there for you without forcing herself all over the situation. Online me knows that no longer can she passivley "like" something for fear of it being interpreted that I actually LIKE the fact that something shit happened. Offline me is able to interpret people's tone of voice and body language when communicating and send the applicable signals back. Online me is able to do this with other people who were raised on the internet in a very subtle way, but some how always ends up failing to communicate the fact that I HATE WHAT YOU LIKE is a different sentiment online to offline. It's all oh so complex and I'm really feeling like I can't express myself via facebook now for fear of offence. I think the problem with facebook is that it tries to mesh the internet friend world with the real life people. The internet friends are friends quickly and the crap you post is a test to see if the friendship is worthwhile. When the real life friends join you some how stop seeming like a person with clear ideas of what they like/dislike and more of a self righteous dick who just can't let go. In fairness to myself though, sometimes things are utterly problematic. I do not like football. There are people I know who really do. In real life I would refrain from talking about it with them, avoiding strife. Online you are all just a bunch of facebookers and you know what I REALLY DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL and why can't you just let me say it and ignore me please. If you don't have anything nice to say and all...
Apart from this I've also felt like I have lost another two of these communication tubes, swimming pool flumes, if you will, in terms of people. I have two friends who recently have started to feel a little more like acquaintances. One friend was having a hard time and I felt so bad for her, like I had already been there somewhat and wanted to lend advice or at least non-judgemental support, so I did. And she replied, in a nutshell that she was busy and couldn't get back to me for a little while. A little while turned into a long while and during the long while I noticed that chatting to me was too much but being online in general was not. And that's ok, her choice not to talk to me, but I feel sidelined, like I wasn't good enough to help. She seems to still be in a bad place but I don't really want to help due to being fobbed off last time. I don't know, maybe I'm getting too prissy about it but I kind of expected that my help would be more worthwhile when time was lacking that image after image about tv shows and food. I guess that's the internet reality, a facade to be maintained. And I do feel bad for her, and I want to be there, but I've been the doormat in the past and I made a pact that if the only way I could be a friend to someone was to be the one always doing the running, then I wouldn't be the friend any more.
This pact leads to the other friend I am dissapointed in. A good friend has gotten a boyfriend and a part time job, and suddenly it's as if I'm invisible. I understand this of course I do I basically spend my life with my husband and even if you have the time when you are working you do just want some time to yourself. However it's the pretend friend dance that gets me. As if I am a child being told 5 more minutes over and over while hour after hour elapses. If I invite you to something and you don't feel like it, it's ok to say no. If I text you a time and a place, it's ok to say I can't rather than leave me hanging knowing that you never said no and I may still turn up. What's not ok is to not bother with my birthday. What's not ok is to say heyy we'll do something next week ok? and then just never get back. Just tell me you are too busy, just tell me you aren't feeling like it, just tell me you don't want to be my friend; it's fine. I just hate the dancing around the subject. I'm dissapointed again and I know if I really wanted I could press the issue and be more forthcoming in trying to arrange a time to meet up but alas my doormat pact is in place. I really like you and I understand your reasons for not seeing me, but I don't like to be deceived and I beleive that is what's going on. Honesty wins I swear.
So that's the reason I feel so frustrated and unable to express myself. True to this is the fact I've been searching for the phrase "express myself" the whole way through typing this and never quite being able to find it.
Do you ever feel as though the relationships you have made and the friends you know are slipping gradually like sand through your fingers? Right now, I'm just looking the other way.
Saturday, 14 August 2010
My friends aren't the same as your friends
I'm getting less and less concerned with who my friends are and how much effort I put into our relationships because, though I am loyal and I try to be a good friend - a great friend even - I am always let down by how much this isn’t reciprocated. I’m not going into gorey details but I’ve been let down and hurt a lot by ‘friends’ in my life. Nothing serious, just a lack of commitment. When I watch the television, or hear other people talking, saying things like “I love my friends, I don’t know what I would do without them” or “my friends are like my family” I don’t understand this. At first I thought, wow I need to find my group of friends who would do anything for each other and be there no matter what. Then I started to realise that this wasn’t going to happen, and I thought, wow I must be some kind of monster who no-one wants to know enough to care that much about. Now I am realising that it is all a lie. These people don’t exist, they are a phantom made up by cutesy script writers and people who want others to know how many people like them and just how much. Well no-one likes me. I think seriously now I have three people I would call friends and to be honest I don’t see it lasting. I’m not trying to sabotage relationships here I am just resigning myself to the fact that if I put in the effort I should to it, it wont be returned; and there is no way I’m giving more than I get anymore. Sorry to sound pompous but no-one like that is worth my kind thoughts.
I know exactly where this stems from. When I was in Primary 6 at school I had a best friend: Jenny. Jenny and I had been inseparable for years, we did everything together, we shared a lot, we played, it was the typical long time best friend scenario and the type of friend you are meant to keep forever. In Primary 6 a new girl, Kim, came to the school and became friends with us. Kim liked horseriding and so did I so we became friends too. For some reason or other one day Kim and I fell out. I know this will sound ridiculous but bear in mind the country bumpkin back drop to my childhood as you read. Kim said to me “you are a bitch, and you know it!” I was shocked and hurt. I expected Jenny to be shocked too, and to back me up; instead she sat on the fence. She didn’t jump to my side, she didn’t ignore Kim, she acted as a go between. Some may think that this is what they would have done, that she was trying to keep the peace and reconcile friends. To those who think this: that is a pile of crap. If someone attacks your friend, who you truly care about, you should have their back. You should support them and them alone. I don’t care about any other circumstance, that’s the way it should be. With my best friend, if anyone did anything to him, said anything to him or touched a hair on his head I would do anything and everything possible to make sure the person that did it knew just exactly what they had done and how wrong it was. It doesn’t matter that my best friend happens to be my fiancé too, I would do that for anyone who put as much effort into being a friend as he did before we got together, and after that. I expect that, outside of family, there is no-one else in the world who would do this for me, and that’s ok. It really is ok. I’ve accepted this.
So from now on I’m not putting the effort in with trying to keep or make friends. With the friends I have left of course I won’t neglect them, I will continue to be a friend, but once bitten twice shy and now I’ve been bitten repeatedly and I really should have learned by now. I’m not going to be the one to always get in touch first. I’m not going to be the only one who texts back, I’m not going to be the person who puts effort into making great plans only to be let down at the last minute. From now on I am a passive friend and if I meet anyone else who really wants to know me it’s going to be their hard work that gets them in alone, save marrying into my family.
This blog has been so depressing recently and probably doesn’t make happy reading so I apologise for this now. I’ll try and make it lighter and less of a sob story next time.
I know exactly where this stems from. When I was in Primary 6 at school I had a best friend: Jenny. Jenny and I had been inseparable for years, we did everything together, we shared a lot, we played, it was the typical long time best friend scenario and the type of friend you are meant to keep forever. In Primary 6 a new girl, Kim, came to the school and became friends with us. Kim liked horseriding and so did I so we became friends too. For some reason or other one day Kim and I fell out. I know this will sound ridiculous but bear in mind the country bumpkin back drop to my childhood as you read. Kim said to me “you are a bitch, and you know it!” I was shocked and hurt. I expected Jenny to be shocked too, and to back me up; instead she sat on the fence. She didn’t jump to my side, she didn’t ignore Kim, she acted as a go between. Some may think that this is what they would have done, that she was trying to keep the peace and reconcile friends. To those who think this: that is a pile of crap. If someone attacks your friend, who you truly care about, you should have their back. You should support them and them alone. I don’t care about any other circumstance, that’s the way it should be. With my best friend, if anyone did anything to him, said anything to him or touched a hair on his head I would do anything and everything possible to make sure the person that did it knew just exactly what they had done and how wrong it was. It doesn’t matter that my best friend happens to be my fiancé too, I would do that for anyone who put as much effort into being a friend as he did before we got together, and after that. I expect that, outside of family, there is no-one else in the world who would do this for me, and that’s ok. It really is ok. I’ve accepted this.
So from now on I’m not putting the effort in with trying to keep or make friends. With the friends I have left of course I won’t neglect them, I will continue to be a friend, but once bitten twice shy and now I’ve been bitten repeatedly and I really should have learned by now. I’m not going to be the one to always get in touch first. I’m not going to be the only one who texts back, I’m not going to be the person who puts effort into making great plans only to be let down at the last minute. From now on I am a passive friend and if I meet anyone else who really wants to know me it’s going to be their hard work that gets them in alone, save marrying into my family.
This blog has been so depressing recently and probably doesn’t make happy reading so I apologise for this now. I’ll try and make it lighter and less of a sob story next time.
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